


One With Myself

by DIANKOU



Series: Becoming What We Are [2]
Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Connor is a deviant, M/M, MOSTLY focuses on Gavin, Seen through Connor’s eyes, Transgender, Transphobia, alternate Universe - Gavin needs a goddamn hug ok, harsh realities, trans! Gavin Reed, transgender character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-01
Updated: 2018-07-26
Packaged: 2019-05-31 17:14:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15124133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DIANKOU/pseuds/DIANKOU
Summary: Connor goes through and analyzes Gavin’s memories that he obtained.  Connor just wrapped his arms tighter around the man.Gavin really needed the comfort.





	1. Last Dinner

**Author's Note:**

> This story is honestly written in a weird perspective and you aren’t supposed to know everything that happens. It’s written as if Connor was watching a movie of Gavin’s memories but Certain names, faces or events are skewed, or even blocked out completely. This is what Connor saw. 
> 
> This is a major piece that focuses on Gavin as a character and how I want to have him in my canon. This is super canon-divergent so yeet

**[** system loading:  _ MEMORY  _ **]**

 

**[** system processing:  _ LAST FAMILY DINNER  _ **]**

 

Dinner was quiet.  The family sat at the small square dining room table, silverware lightly clinking against glass.  At the bed of the table,  _ They _ sat there, heart ramming in their chest.  Years and years of having to just watch other people, trapped behind a cage.   _ They  _ just wanted to be treated like they weren’t any different from other people.  But  _ they _ didn’t feel normal.  All of their feelings didn’t like like they came from  _ them.  They  _ felt trapped in their own body, skin like a prison they couldn’t escape from.  

 

“Mom, dad,”  _ They  _ called out, voice soft and riddled with an emotion that sounded a mix between nervous and terrified,  “I have something I need to tell you both.” The scratching on the plates stopped, an unnerving silence falling over the three people.  No one said anything, the atmosphere stayed heavy,  _ They _ couldn’t breath, it hurt to breath, their mouth opened but words didn’t come out.  

 

“I don’t want to be called  **[** system error:  _ REDACTED  _ **]** anymore.”  _ They  _ said with a soft and almost defeated voice.  Their hands were still tucked away in the folds on their jeans, fisting at the material over their thighs.  “I… I want to be called Gavin from now on.” 

 

**[** system processing:  _ RECONSTRUCTION  _ **]**

 

**[** system process:  _ FAILED - LACK OF DATA  _ **]**

 

There was a spark in their voice, in  _ his _ voice.  The flame was small, just barely there, seen in the dark.  A match lit alongside a thousand campfires. Gavin had to shield his flame, keep it protected.  It was weak and needed nourishing, to be grown. That was difficult when a hand was already reaching to snuff out the match.  

 

A laugh boomed from the other side of the table, a disgusted smile across their face.  Their words felt like knives, their faces twisted into something Gavin didn’t recognize.  No one would have. It didn’t take long for the onslaught of words to begin, pouring from their mouths like a waterfall of hatred.  

 

He wasn’t welcome here.  Not while he was a  _ he.   _ The word…  _ boy _ spat off their tongues like it was a curse.  He wasn’t welcome here. The man stood up, his words becoming louder.  The vision become blurred, details leaving, only figures remaining floating inside black.  

 

“I swear  **[** system error:  _ REDACTED  _ **]** — I’ll show   **[** system error:  _ REDACTED  _ **]** what it means to be  **[** system error:  _ REDACTED  _ **]** .” 

 

The words were cut off and choppy, unable to make out full words anymore, the silhouettes completely covered by the darkness. 

 

**[** system processing :  _ RECALIBRATING  _ **]**

 

**[** system processing:  _ RECONSTRUCTING  _ **]**

 

 **[** system process: _COMPLETE_ **]**

 

“I swear to god— I’ll show you what it means to be a man.” 

 

**[** system process:  _ MEMORY COMPLETE  _ **]**


	2. Streets

**[** system loading: _MEMORY_ **]**

 

 **[** system processing: _STREETS_ **]**

 

The ground was cold and wet, the moisture so densely packed into the pavement that it always would be slightly damp.  The mugginess of the air never seemed to want to fade, instead it loomed in the air circling the city and never leaving.  

 

Gavin was cold, a winter jacket wrapped around himself, a hand tightly holding together the collar so that he could stay warm.  His skin was wet and cold, but he didn’t shiver, he stopped shivering months ago. He lived like this day to day, hoping someday he could get enough to go find himself a shitty used car to stay in.  Four hundred and eighty-two dollars is what he had, Gavin had seen some older cars from the early 2000’s go for five-hundred before. He was close, he could do this.

 

Income was hard to come by when the only means of getting money was a sigh next to him that read:

 

“Sixteen and kicked out by abusive parents. Anything helps.”

 

Days fluctuated, some days he would just get spare change, other days, he’s never been more thankful for the strangers who bought him something warm to eat and handed him twenty dollars.  He remembered all of their faces clearly.

 

 **[** system processing: _FACIAL RECOGNITION_ **]**

 

JACKLYN RAMIREZ

born December 3, 1995

with a group of friends at night

amount given: 20 dollars

 

 **[** system processing: _FACIAL RECOGNITION_ **]**

 

HANK ANDERSON

born September 6, 1985

walking with companion Saint Bernard

amount given:  25 dollars

meal also provided

 

 **[** system processing: _FACIAL RECOGNITION_ **]**

 

DYLAN O’KRAL

born April 25, 2000

was with older boyfriend

amount given: 20 dollars

was offered a place to stay until job was found

offer declined.

 

 **[** system process: _COMPLETE_ **]**

 

As much as Gavin wanted to take some of these offers and have somewhere dry and warm guaranteed, he couldn’t bare to do that.  He wanted to make his own life, start new himself. Gavin didn’t want to ride on someone else’s back so that he could get to his feet.  He could stand on his own. He just needed to learn how to use his legs.

 

He stood up for the first time a week later, he finally had the money.  Another gratuitous day had brought him in the final bit of cash he needed to buy a car.  He would take anything at this point. As long as it could shield him from the onslaught of Detroit rain, he would be okay.  

 

He was soaking wet when he got to the dealership, the rain starting up once again, drenching his clothes that never really dried in the first place.  

 

Gavin walked up to the front of the building, pushing open the glass door, a loud creak coming from its hinges.  The inside was pristine and looked like it had been cleaned regularly. Gavin felt out of place considering how dirty he looked.  

 

Walking up to the front desk he was greeted by a woman with a warm smile, her hair was pushed back into a messy bun and her uniform showed off the blue and yellow dealership colors neatly.  

 

“Hi, how can I help you?” She asked in a chipper tone, even her eyes smiled as she spoke.  

 

Gavin felt out of place asking, he shouldn’t, he had the money.  He needed this, more than anything. No more days sleeping on the side of the road for cash.  He could stay dry now, try and find a job.

 

“Uhm,” his voice was wary, unsure even, “I’m just looking for the cheapest, maybe oldest car you have.  I have 500 dollars, I just really need something.” Gavin took out a rolled up thing of money and set it on the counter.  “It doesn’t matter how bad it is, I just really need something.”

 

She seemed to think for a moment before sliding the money onto her side of the table.  

 

“I actually might have something that we might be able to do.  But you can’t say anything.” She said in a whisper. “I’ve seen you before on my way to work and I could never help.” She took in a deep breath.  “We were supposed to get rid of a damaged Honda, no one would buy it so it was going to get scrapped. I’ll sell it to you for 400, it has damage along the rear bumper but the car works perfectly fine.”

 

Gavin smiled, he felt some kind of warmth in his chest.  He hadn’t felt it in a long time.

 

Compassion.  He wished he could feel it more often.  

 

 **[** system process: _MEMORY COMPLETE_ **]**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow!! I’m really surprised by the amount of comments and kind words from you guys! It really has touched me to see people want to read more of my stuff. 
> 
> I’m trying to do daily updates for this fic!


	3. Intelligence

**[** system loading: _MEMORY_ **]**

 

 **[** system processing: _INTELLIGENCE_ **]**

 

Elijah did it.  Well, he helped do it anyways.  The man was at the forefront and conducted all of the works that happened out of the public’s eye.  

 

Sure, CYBERLIFE was relatively new, but it was an empire with a monopoly on androids and artificial intelligence.  Others had tried and failed in the wake that was the massive shadow called Elijah Kamski. Everything developed so fast, so… unbelievably quick that Gavin really never understood what was quite happening.  He was aware of his step brother’s attempts at robots in the past, but never something that he would show Gavin or even do more than discuss it at dinner.

 

 **[** system processing: _DATA RECOVERY_ **]**

 

ELIJAH KAMSKI

founder of CYBERLIFE

Exactly 214 failed attempts at artificial intelligence in 10 year period.

Successful attempt at artificial intelligence on December, 18, 2028

Prototype called _Chloe_ successfully passed Turing Test on December 19, 2028.

 

 **[** system process: _COMPLETE_ **]**

 

After Chloe had passed the Turing Test, Kamski has risen even more in power, the entire world in astonishment.  

 

Gavin was the first person to be shown Chloe, and he was stunned.  He knew how long Elijah had been working on actually creating an Android, but the results were that of even more than a 10 year period.  She looked, acted, and sounded human.

 

Chloe responded intelligently to all of what he said, including questions and even casual conversation.  She was a simple prototype, but it was clear of her importance to Elijah. She was his pride and joy.

 

Gavin loved her, genuinely, like a sister.  

 

Gavin liked to wake up and play chess with her, or go on strolls around the garden with her.  She was smart, and more often than not, Gavin forgot that she wasn’t human, that she didn’t breath or bleed the same color.  It was strange, watching her get scratched, a slight ooze of blue blood leaving her leg. He didn’t understand. She just smiled and wiped it away as if it even happened.  

 

Gavin didn’t understand this, how she could just act as if something was wrong.  It’s why he ended up tracking down Elijah the second he knew his brother was home.  

 

“Elijah— I need to ask you something.” Gavin was hesitant in his words, confidence fleeting every second.  

 

Kamski was at a table, looking over what looked like a patent for a new model of androids.  He was working on new androids already. It made sense, really. You find the formula and change the personality and speciality and sell it as a new product.  Efficient and marketable. The man looked up, glasses perched on the edge of his nose.

 

“What do you need?” His voice calm and collected, like it usually was.  Gavin knitted his eyebrows together and he sat down across from him, folding his hands in front of him.  This made Kamski drop the pen, attention focusing on his adoptive sibling.

 

“Why can’t Chloe feel pain?” Gavin didn’t understand.  

 

“All androids don’t feel pain, they don’t get hungry, nothing.” Kamski just shook his head as if his secretive work could have been obvious, for some reason.  

 

“But _why_ it doesn’t make sense,” Gavin was frustrated.

 

“It isn’t alive, Gavin.  If an Android was to **[** system error: _REDACTED_ **]** it would feel nothing.  It’s simply a machine.” Kamski waved his arms before grabbing the pen again.  

 

Gavin felt sick.  

 

What was she.  

 

_She wasn’t even alive._

 

_**[** system loading: _MEMORY COMPLETE_ **]**_


	4. Ice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning for drug use and mentions of suicidal thoughts

**[** system loading: MEMORY  **]**

 

**[** system processing: ICE **]**

 

Red Ice had become an epidemic quicker than any designer drug in existence.  The abundance of the drug as well as the dropping price made it extremely popular in the poorest parts of the county, but still held a good high that gave itself to even the wealthy.  

 

**[** system processing: DATA RECOVERY  **]**

 

RED ICE

a designer drug made from therium

drug reached epidemic levels in 2021 

average population usage based on census: 38.4%

 

**[** system process: COMPLETE  **]**

 

Gavin was not safe from this percentage.  

 

Ice numbed the pain.  

 

It made him forget about the years of emotional abuse.

 

It made him forget about how ruthlessly he had been beaten as a child. 

 

Gavin’s newly adoptive brother always had therium stashed inside of the house– that made it easy for Gavin to make the drug.  Gavin was no chemist, but that didn’t matter. Rarely did his batches fail. They never failed to get him high. He didn’t want to feel the pain of the world anymore.  

 

Ice brought on more than just a high.  With each high, a new lower and lower depression afterward came.  Gavin lost sight of himself, he couldn’t see straight anymore. 

 

Did any of it actually matter anymore?

 

“Don’t do it, Gavin.”  Elijah was standing behind him, his arms crossed over his chest.  Elijah had known about his adoptive brothers' addiction, he purposely left out therium for him to steal.  He could always get more, the quantity didn’t matter.

 

“Why?”  Gavin’s tone was sharp, he sat on his bed, facing the window, slightly rocking back in forth, Elijah had found him right in the middle of a breakdown.  “No one gives a shit about us Elijah! The government is still keeping people like me from joining the military or the police force. I’m too fucking expensive– but we can still stand to equip each and every fucking soldier with two million dollars worth of fucking guns and ammo.”  Gavin sounded upset and angry, his words and tone shaky. He was on the verge of a complete breakdown. 

 

**[** system processing: DATA RECOVERY **]**

 

TRANSGENDER BAN FOR MILITARY AND POLICE

september 20, 2021

A full military and police ban for transgender people.  

Due to the rising costs and upkeep of hormones and 

surgery for transgender people, President Kolos

Allowed the bill to pass where it inevitably was signed.

 

**[** system process: COMPLETE **]**

 

Gavin scoffed, a slight crack in his throat.  

 

“So am  I supposed to drop out of the academy, that seems like too much hassle.  There is a nice road off of the highway north of here. I’ll just go out there.  Won’t burden anyone with being too expensive.” There was venom on his words. As he stood up, Gavin’s eyes were completely bloodshot, both the effects of the Red Ice but also from crying. 

 

“Gavin– Gavin stop.  Gavin.” Kamski grabbed his shoulder and had yanked him back into the room, clear concern on his face.  “I’m not letting you go out and kill yourself. Look how far you made it.”

 

“The road has to end somewhere, Elijah.”  Gavin couldn’t look at him.

 

Kamski felt defeated.  He had only been with them for 3 years now, but the nineteen-year-old had barely begun to actually live.  This was the lowest he had ever seen Gavin and it was terrifying. He was worried about how set Gavin was on killing himself, He did have a tendency to be stubborn, that just scared him more.  

 

“Gavin– I can help.  I know you think that I can’t but I can.  I know people who can get you the hormones that you need– free of charge.”  Elijah’s voice softened, eyebrows coming down in a softer look. Gavin just looked up, no longer staring at the floor.  He still didn’t say anything. “We can start dosing you and take you out of the police academy until you can pass. You already naturally have a masculine face– it shouldn’t take more than two years for you to at least grow in some stubble.”  Kamski had run his hand over the side of his jaw, lightly patting his cheek. 

 

“What about after that– I still can’t pass a physical. I won’t be able to get into the academy again.”  Elijah nodded, opening his mouth again with a soft sigh.

 

“I know that, but I know someone who could help.  He’s a Lieutenant with the Detroit Police department.  I think I could have him train you himself. He’s the best Detroit has.”

 

Gavin was quiet for a while, not really saying anything.  It took him a few moments of standing there and processing everything for him to finally speak again.  

 

“Can you really get me the hormones I need soon?”

 

“I can get you the first dose tomorrow if I can get you to back off that ledge,” Elijah said with a frown.  Gavin just nodded slowly, a deep sigh leaving his mouth. He had pulled himself forward, hugging the man. Gavin really needed a hug right now.  

 

**[** system process: MEMORY COMPLETE **]**


	5. Fetish

**[** system loading: MEMORY  **]**

 

**[** system processing: FETISH  **]**

 

Elijah Kamski had left Cyberlife in 2022, after the company decided to expand into more casual areas of production and deployment.  Elijah was a multimillionaire at the age of 20, owning his own retreat off in the mountains of Michigan. He had no say in Cyberlife anymore and wished to be keep to himself peacefully.  

 

Gavin visited often, taking the drive up into the retreat.  

 

The mountains came from a faded black of the forest, it had been too long, everything was fading and melding into different shades of gray.  The black of the outside of the house was the only solid thing that was left, a stark contrast to the fading landscapes. 

 

The trek up was the same, following the same path with hollow footsteps.  The crunch of the autumn leaves was familiar and relaxing. 

 

Elijah probably already knew why Gavin was here.  Cyberlife’s newest invention was all over the news.  

 

It had only been a matter of time, unfortunately.  

 

Gavin sucked in a deep breath as he knocked on the door, a chloe answering the door.  Everything faded– memories melding together into something that was not recognizable. 

 

Gavin was sitting on the red couch, Elijah next to him.  His hair was different, everything pulled back into a clean undercut with only some stubble on his chin.  It was a better look on him. Gavin’s had his own stubble growing, only along his jawline and was barely visible just above his lip.  Being on hormones for just over a year was really starting to take effect on his body in some ways that Gavin had never thought possible.  

 

“I’m guessing you saw the news?”  Elijah asked, his head tilting, a chloe had stepped into the view, wearing a dark blue dress.  She offered them tea and placed them on the table. 

 

Gavin just slowly nodded his head, fingers going to grip the rim of the cup, the cup was a matte black with an intricate geometric design, opposed to just being a standard round cup.  

 

“I did.”  His voice was soft, yet showed clear signs of change.  

 

“You know It wasn’t my decision right? I had advised them against making a model like this.”  Kamski defended, trying to get Gavin to look at him. “I know what it would have done to you if  _ I _ released a model of android with interchangeable biocomponents.”

Just hearing about it made gavin’s mouth turn up in disgust.  

 

“I know.”  Came Gavin’s reply, a long pause between their words.  Elijah let out a soft sigh. 

 

“Everyone who works there now only cares about the money with it all.  You knew from the start all I wanted was to make an equal companion for someone.   I never wanted people to… to fetishize something that I created. Why do you think I only have chloe models.  They were the first. My true vision.” 

 

Gavin gulped, nervously almost.  Elijah was telling the truth, but the fact there was nothing he could do to stop it– it scared him.  They could do so much worse. Money was a powerful object. 

 

Gavin couldn’t stand to look at androids from that day foreword.  Each one on the street he would just scoff under his breath and shake his head.  His aggression would grow towards them as the years wore on. It was mild now, nothing more than just some irritation from running into them or having to interact with them.  

 

They would never be equals.  

  
**[** system process: MEMORY COMPLETE **]**

**Author's Note:**

> WOW once again thank you so much for reading this and for all of the support that came from “Integration”! You can think of this as a lore piece, a massive flashback, or a prequel. Either way, I hope you enjoyed!
> 
> If you did, please feel free to leave a Kudos and a comment! Both are greatly appreciated and they keep me writing!


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